۔۔۔۔۔۔۔You_ don’t_ love_ me, if_ you_ are_ not


She: Hello

How are you?

He: Hello

I am good, how are you?

She: I am good, thanks.

I want to know, what made you block me on Facebook?

He: I didn’t block you; my wife has blocked all the female friends. She doesn’t feel comfortable with my female friends.

His wife intervenes: how dared you send message to my husband?

She: he is my teacher

His wife: he is someone’s husband now. Do not send any message again. Shame on you! Blocked!

Having your teacher in your facebook friend’s list is ok, but it seems unacceptable when he is married. How? I would explain after few more examples.

She: You didn’t send me morning message, did you wake up in office today?

He: sorry sweetheart, I got late for office today.

She: Ok, OK,

Listen; do not talk to your female colleagues much.

He: Ok my love, I won’t. Please don’t be paranoid. I love you, Muah…

She: I love you too my life

Here in above example the man is a doctor and works at a hospital where there are lots of female workers. Why his fiancé wants him to stay away from female colleagues, you will know in the end of this article.

Hello sweetheart, how is your work going on?

Johnny, what are you doing in my office? Is everything Ok?

Yeah, I just wanted to see your new office.

After a week

Hey Tina please come home, we’ll dine out today.

Ok, but why you came to my office, you could have informed me over call.

Here in this case the husband time and again visits his wife’s office, why? I would let you know shortly.

In all above examples it seems that the person is suffering from paranoia. Let’s first see how literature defines paranoia:

“Thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear often to the point of delusion and irrationality”.

Looking at this definition, it’s obvious that the above examples do not represent paranoia. Then what does it takes one’s partner to be so insecure and anxious in a relationship that he/she checks on her again and again, makes repeated calls, or indulge in similar behaviors?

If it is not paranoia then it is Jealousy. Let’s look at jealousy, what it is. Jealousy is defined in literature as:

“A cognitive, emotional and behavioral response to a relationship threat”

So jealousy is a response to a relationship threat.

“The more you love someone, the more you feel jealous’’

First thing that you need to understand is that there is always a third person that makes you feel insecure about your loved one. Jealousy is always among three individuals, I would explain it further below with examples.

When the second child arrives, mother gives him more attention, time and care as compared to the first child, the first child starts missing that attention and love and often reacts with anger and in some case throws temper tantrums. These anger outbursts are consequences of feelings of jealousy. Depending on the biological and environmental factors the child can manifest a range of different behavior and emotions. The point to ponder is here in this example there are three persons.

Jealousy is conceived as a defense mechanism against real or perceived threat to a relationship.

 Jealousy can be emotional and sexual as well. In emotional jealousy you would think that your loved one is emotionally interested in someone else (e.g. if N is your best friend, he becomes friend with R, and R is not your friend, though he wants to be your friend because of N, but you reject him and start showing anger to N because of his friendship with R. it’s because you start feeling emotional jealousy). Gender difference comes here, since women as compared to men are more emotionally invested, they feel more emotional jealousy.

In sexual jealousy you would have insecurities/fears about your loved one having sexual relationship with a third person (e.g. flirting, kissing and sexual infidelity). Again gender difference comes in this type too, since men as compared to women are impacted by sexual infidelity (either it is real or perceived).

“The more you feel possessive, the more it makes you feel insecure”

The intensity of possessiveness and resulting jealousy determines the health of relationship between the partners. Jealousy involves a full emotional episode that can lead to outrage, sadness, and dejection. It is observed that in the early years of life couples enjoy this love and jealousy but as the times passes this jealousy can lead to break up, divorce or separation. A little jealousy is ok, as it shows love for your partner, but if it becomes intense it shows paranoia and paranoia is going to lead to break up or anything that would be negative. It consumes most of your energies, makes you frustrated and destroys the good moments as well as relationship.

“You don’t love me, if you are not jealous of me”

At the same time if your partner is checking on you, showing concern, feeling insecure about you when you are with a third person and if his/her insecurities are not very intense then interpret it as love and enjoy this gift. It’s human psyche that we as a human being show concern for the ones whom we love.

If unchecked, jealousy can lead to resentment, helplessness, anger, feelings of insecurity, fear of losing the loved one, low self esteem, loneliness and uncertainty.

In this virtual world the emotion of jealousy has seen to be experienced by a lot of people leading to disturbed relationship. The solution is in giving space to each other and trusting your loved ones. Don’t impose unrealistic boundaries, learn to make a difference between perception and reality, don’t act on your impulses, monitor your thoughts and replace negative thoughts with positive ones, and live a happy life. 🙂

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