“Attractive, caring, sensitive, goal-oriented, person for a permanent relationship, must be open-minded, Successful but not workaholic, with a great sense of humor. Knows how to make me feel loved and appreciated. If you are healthy, honest, faithful, and ready for commitment, contact me at 00000000.”
The above ad is an example of how a match is sought in the western countries, now look at the ad given below which is an example of the ad in eastern culture.
Height 6.5 feet
education Mbbs 4th year in private medical college,
Requirement: Lady doctor,
Height: 5.5 ft,
Complexion: Fair beautiful,
Sect: must be this and that.
Now look at this case:
Miss X, 25 years old, a doctor by profession; she has invested half of her life in getting higher education and now is imparting to others what she has learned. Her parents planned to find a suitable proposal for her. They had few gentlemen in their mind, who already had proposed their daughter. They chose the above mentioned guy, families met, all things went well and the knot was tied. After a few months of marriage husband started using his patriarchic rights and commanded her wife to quit job, the reason was nothing but control and use of his manhood.
Miss R 29 year old, lecturer, tall, good looking got married to a bank officer, who was looking for an attractive, smart and highly educated lady. After three years Miss R gets divorce just because her husband got interested in someone else.
While looking for an attractive and a highly educated lady the information this bank officer provided was “a man 34 years old, holds an MBA degree, tall handsome and open-minded, cast this and that, owing to this and that property needs this and that kind of lady”
Now look at the following ad:
“Self-absorbed, damaged, a loser who has lots of potential and is doing nothing with it, must be immature, irresponsible, and lazy. No skills, background, or success required. If you are looking for someone to make empty promises to and like to blame others for your failures, call me now. Note: men with jobs need not apply.”
“Are you married? Engaged? Unable to make a commitment? Stubborn and uncompromising? Then I am the woman for you. I am looking for an unavailable man for a long, painful, and frustrating relationship. No time or energy required. I’ll do all the work. If you like being dishonest, stringing me along, and thinking only about yourself, you are my type of guy.”
Obviously none of us would ever write ads like these last two or even agree to accept these kinds of relationships into our lives. And yet, we often end up with partners who fit these descriptions. But the reality is many of us are programmed like this and we ourselves are not conscious of our traits until someone shows us the mirror. Psychologists say our unconscious mind has certain “agendas” or needs and based on these needs we choose our partners.
Psychologists estimate that between birth and five years of age you receive 50 percent of your programming. Between 5 and 8 years of age you receive 30 percent of your emotional programming. This means by the age of 8 you are 80 percent programmed psychologically. In other words 80 percent of your decisions about yourself and others have already been made. Between the ages of 8 and 18 you receive 15 percent more of your emotional programming. So by the time you are eighteen years old, you are 95 percent done. You carry this emotional programming like a turtle carries its shell. That leaves 5 percent for the rest of your life. You can use that 5 percent to understand and change the other 95 percent. That 5 percent of your mind that is conscious says, “I want a wonderful partner who loves me and treats me well,” the 95 percent of your mind that is unconscious is responsible for making your poor love choices.
Once you understand why have been doing what you have been doing you will be free to change your behavior permanently.
Once you become aware of your unconscious decisions about love, you can make new healthy decisions
Psychologists have identified a few reasons for why you choose the people you love:
- The “Going Home” Syndrome
As human beings, we gravitate toward the familiar. Returning to the familiar is a basic instinct that gives our lives a sense of continuity and safety in a chaotic and changing universe. Unfortunately, this instinct can work against us.
- Completing unfinished emotional business from childhood
This is the second way in which your emotional programming affects whom you choose to love. Every child has two basic instincts or agendas:
- They want to feel happy and loved, especially by their parents.
- They want to see their parents happy and loved.
- Fear of intimacy
Do you feel frightened or smothered when someone expresses strong feelings of love toward you?
Do you attract people who can’t make a commitment?
Do you find yourself pushing people away, even when they are giving you what you want?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be affected by the third way in which your emotional programming can determine your love choice. It gives you a fear of intimacy.
- Low self-esteem
There is a popular concept in many metaphysical philosophies that says:
“You get what you think you deserve”
For many of us the problem is that we think we don’t deserve a lot when it comes to love. It is the fourth way your emotional programming can affect your love life.
“If you were told or concluded that you were not lovable as a child, you may have a difficult time attracting love”
If your parents told you, you were not good enough or smart enough or likable enough, part of you believed them. Even if they didn’t actually use these words, but treated you in an unloving way, you probably still concluded that you were unlovable.
“When you grow up, you either attract people in your life who can’t love you, or mistreat you, or you have a difficult time finding partners at all.”
You can be in a relationship because of many wrong reasons like, Pressure (age, family, friends etc), loneliness and depression, sexual hunger, a distraction from your own life, to avoid growing up, guilt, to fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness. Along with these wrong reasons there are certain societal and cultural factors that can lead you in a relation, below, these factors are discussed in detail.
Who takes the decision?
In Asian collectivistic culture decision about marriage is basically taken by the parents. A girl or boy regardless of how much educated he/she is can’t take decision about his/her life partner.
Love marriage-a taboo
Even in the 21st-century love marriage is considered a taboo in Pakistan, India and many other Asian countries. Many cases have been reported in which the couples who got married against the wish of their family have been murdered brutally or killed in the name of honor.
Love at first sight and infatuation also result in love marriage, where the partners don’t bother about anything but physical attraction and they end up either in separation or divorce.
Many couples can’t stand each other because they are rigid, impulsive and have little frustration tolerance.
Having affairs (male’s nature)
Forced in the hands of their nature male partner can’t feel satisfied with one partner, either he wants to have one more wife or he starts having affairs, which also becomes a reason for disturbing relationship between both partners (women can also betray though).
Over the past few years women have gained independent status in society, they are getting a higher education and providing their services in almost every field, and their role in the society needs to be acknowledged and valued. Working women have reduced the burden on the male partner and they are equally contributing to the economical betterment of their families. Now when a woman can earn and take care of her financial needs, this thing has made her back down the mental pressure or torture that women have been tolerating for years due to their financial dependency on their husbands. They resort to legal help in case they are pressured or tortured. One the other hand man has not changed his mindset, he operates from the same patriarchic mentality and use all sort of abuse to control his wife, which women are not ready to accept now. If the trend doesn’t change I fear more cases would be filed for divorce/separation. The role of toxic in-laws can also destroy the marriage.
Why is it important for a woman to work (parasites)
Despite the trend that has changed still there are families who don’t let their daughters in law to do any job. Even after higher education, they have to confine themselves to the four walls of their homes. Such women are considered a parasite that has to rely on their husbands for their needs. They can’t play their active role in society just because it’s against their in law’s family values.
Parents not giving skill and education to their daughters
And there is this type of parents who give their daughters neither education nor skill. When such girls get married they have to suffer a lot. Neither they can get separation nor can they invest their time in doing any sort of job. They become a burden for themselves; they have to suffer a lot if their husbands are not good with them. If we look at the life of the prophet’s (PBUH) wives, we find that Hazrat Khadija (R.A) was a merchant. It would be fairly difficult for her to be successful without enforcing some sort of authority or interacting which meant it would require her presence or interaction with her hirelings. Hazrat Ayesha was a scholar. Scholars do not live in a hole. They do interact and the interaction is under certain conditions.
In short, marriage is a legal way of loving, honoring, and celebrating your partner day by day as an expression of your commitment to one another. Marriage doesn’t mean one is master and the other is a slave. Marriage doesn’t mean imprisonment. You are not what you say about yourself, you are not the way you present yourself. Most of us don’t know even our own personalities, strengths and weaknesses, and this thing makes us vulnerable to make mistakes in our decision about a life partner. Also, it is important to understand that divorce is ok, starting over is ok. Moving on is ok. Being alone is ok. Listening to and ignoring others’ bullshit is ok. What is not ok is staying somewhere where you are not happy, valued, and appreciated, where you are not growing, grooming and actualizing.