Be_Available_to…… —– Bubbly_Shaikh

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Hello mama, Maamu jaan has passed away, doctors have declared him dead.

What?

What are you saying?

No… I can’t believe, ask doctors to check again. I talked to him over call today morning, he is alive.

Mama please

After few days…

Ali give me your phone, I want to talk to your maamu.

Mama please

Crying spells….

Few days later…

Mama why are you still awake?

I am trying to sleep my son.

Mama you didn’t sleep last night, you skipped your dinner too.

After few more days…

Ali, you wanted to invite your friends for dinner. When would you invite them?

Things don’t take place in a vacuum, there is always something going on. On every traumatic incident we human beings react differently, depending on personality factors. During Bowlby’s work on attachment, he and his colleague Colin Murray Parkes noticed four stages of grief:

1.   Shock and Numbness: In this initial phase, the person would experience both physical and emotional response to loss or trauma. He would be in denial. Physical and emotional distress are part of this phase.

2.   Yearning and Searching: In this phase, the bereaved is very aware of the void in his or her life and may try to fill that void with something or someone else. He would form attachment with someone else depending on his attachment style.

3.   Despair and Disorganization: The bereaved now accepts that things can’t be undone. He or she may also experience dejection, hopelessness, and may react with rage,

4.   Reorganization and Recovery: In the final phase, the bereaved person may regain hope and faith in life. The traumatic event would become part of his past.

First thing that needs to be cleared here is that not everyone goes through these stages of grief. It depends on how much you have been attached to that person, relationship or thing that you have lost. It’s not only the death of the loved one that leads to the grief but loss of a relationship, loss in business or any other loss in which you have been invested emotionally, can lead to experience grief. Of course, one’s depth of attachment will influence how grief is experienced as well. For example, someone who feels secure in a relationship may move through the stages fairly quickly or skip some altogether, while someone who is anxious or avoidant may get stuck on one of the stages.

Last but not the least, all human beings get attached to someone or something. We have parents. Foster parents, siblings, and friends. Regardless of what type of attachment we form with our loved ones, we need then in time of need or crisis. Avoidance to human relations means the person finds solace in something else, in moments of solitude (e.g. reading, writing, creative art activities, gaming). It’s just Allah who is not dependent on anything, who doesn’t get attached to anyone or anything. And this message is clearly described in Surat Ikhlas. We need Allah, we need our loved ones, but Allah doesn’t need us. So be available to the ones who need you and whenever they need you. Be empathetic and supportive when they are going through the stages of grief.

“Be empathetic if you cannot be sympathetic”

 Now read again and try to understand the reaction in the context of stages of grief.

Hello mama, Maamu jaan has passed away, doctors have declared him dead.

What?

What are you saying?

No… I can’t believe, ask doctors to check again. I talked to him over call today morning, he is alive. (Shock and Denial)

Mama please L

After few days..

Ali give me your phone, I want to talk to your maamu. (Yearning and searching)

Mama please L

Crying spells….

Few days later…

Mama why are you still awake?

I am trying to sleep my son.

Mama you didn’t sleep last night, you skipped your dinner too, (despair)

After few more days…

Ali, you wanted to invite your friends to dinner. When would you invite them? (back to normal life, Recovery)

The way the pandemic has affected many of you (behaviorally, emotionally and cognitively), it is necessary to provide support and help to the ones who have lost their loved ones. You can’t control everything, sometimes it is better to surrender to the decision of God. Receive support and encouragement of your loved ones. Learn to view the situation in a more positive way. Believing the cup is half full can help you beat your depression and helplessness. There is another world where you would meet your loved ones.

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